@LorieGZ

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

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@karentozzi

Welcome to middle age, here’s your card. You’ll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again.

@Celestinelea90

I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.

@PatsATweetin

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

@Cpin42

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

@Mom_Overboard

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

@RadOrDie

I bet a lot more people would read the Bible if it was called The Adventures of Jesus and Friends.

@AmericanGent69

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

@runawaycupcake

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

@boburnham

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on