Welcome to middle age, here’s your card. You’ll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
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I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I bet a lot more people would read the Bible if it was called The Adventures of Jesus and Friends.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on