@LorieGZ

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

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@nbadag

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

@JustDontBugMe

When I found out that my neighbour is scared of dogs
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.

@BonaFideIntent

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

@KentWGraham

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

@Mr_Kapowski

“Don’t tell me how to raise my cat!,” I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who’s chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat’s mouth

@krisv_723

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

@Try2StopME

Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂

@Social_Mime

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

@serendipitydon1

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.