My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
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surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Muppet Screams
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what