Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

💁🏻‍♂️

Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

The cashier just checked me out.

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.