Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

This is true.

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher

[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject

Judge: And all the murders you did

Me: There you go again

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.