Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: see you later alligator

crocodile: [frustrated sigh]

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner