My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
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I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.