@Robert_Beau

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

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@AnkCoupleTO

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

@ArfMeasures

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

@kate_smithxx

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

@DrakeGatsby

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

@JohnMayer

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

@kwirkyKerri

Even the coffee is leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Wait…am I being poisoned?

*drinks it anyway*

@Probgoblin

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

@JessObsess

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?