My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
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Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA