My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
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LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*