My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
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I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
My Sentiments Exactly
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.