Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

Customize Your Wedding.

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats

My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.

After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

*Takes off FitBit*

Ok, weigh me now

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?