My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
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Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.