My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

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Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

He pastaway.

Cannoli do so much.

Now hes just a pizza history.


{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.


ME: *googling* how to lose weight

GOOGLE: exercise, healthy diet, no alcohol

ME: *googling angrily* exactly how bad is Bing


I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.


Yesterday I told my aunt that DTF means “Doing the Facebook”. Her daily posts are much more entertaining now.


If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.


Me: “Relax. Make conversation, let them get to know you.”
Also Me: “The longest tape worm ever found inside a human body was 82′ in length.”


Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins


Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.