@WritePlay

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

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@TheFunnyWorId

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

He pastaway.

Cannoli do so much.

Now hes just a pizza history.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

@portmanteauface

ME: *googling* how to lose weight

GOOGLE: exercise, healthy diet, no alcohol

ME: *googling angrily* exactly how bad is Bing

@XplodingUnicorn

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

@Cali_Kid_Mike

Yesterday I told my aunt that DTF means “Doing the Facebook”. Her daily posts are much more entertaining now.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

@ixix82

Me: “Relax. Make conversation, let them get to know you.”
Also Me: “The longest tape worm ever found inside a human body was 82′ in length.”

@DirtMcTurd

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

@1Happytwit

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.