My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever
LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?
WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes
LAWYER:
WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy
LAWYER: …I have concerns
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Favourite diary entry ever
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.