My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
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[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
a whale would make a great christmas tree topper but only if you want a very flat, very wet tree
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.