My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
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whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.