My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
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Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
What if the weather talks about us?
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes