Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title

Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????

My son is worried about being on Santa’s nice list but rather than change his behavior he has decided to continue worrying, and that is actually quite relatable.

6YO: My tummy hurts

Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate

6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile