Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

No, YOUR illiterate.

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.

Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

😉😝

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

I think that’s enough internet for one day…