@TheUnfitFather

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

You Might Also Like

@dshack8

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

@joci2203

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

@Jason_Horton

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

@PolhunterP

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

@adamgreattweet

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

@shutupmikeginn

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

@

a:1:{s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}