Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
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there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
captain america: ok we need to be quiet when sneaking in
hawkeye: *dragging 2 large duffel bags loudly across floor*
captain: wtf is that
hawkeye: *panting* my arrows
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
this has to be peak English
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.