@TheUnfitFather

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

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@i_zzzzzz

Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto

@GrantTanaka

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

@PatsATweetin

captain america: ok we need to be quiet when sneaking in

hawkeye: *dragging 2 large duffel bags loudly across floor*

captain: wtf is that

hawkeye: *panting* my arrows

@rad_milk

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

@dave_cactus

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

@HoneyWooWoo

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

@MissBee73

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

@Breadery

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.