Now picture me using proper grammar
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
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I don’t smoke, so I take “screaming” breaks at work.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks