My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
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me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
My boss called in sick of me
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”