My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

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6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?


Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.


When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?


Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..


“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment


A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks