Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

Me: kid, you have no chill

5: I do, I just don’t use it

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

Mummies are just super modest zombies

This is a whole mood;

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

My ex just followed me on Twitter.

That said:

“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”

*BLOCKED*

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make