My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
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[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I missed you with all my darts
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”