Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

time machine? you mean a clock?

I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami

I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

mood

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

I pray every night that I never become religious…

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

Message from the dog groomers

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.