my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
You Might Also Like
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Someone just threatened to call me later
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.