Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind

Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

With a text.

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.

Me: ok

(later at home)

Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice