My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
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DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
My love language is hissing.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”