@envydatropic

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

You Might Also Like

@sexncake

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

@yeetztweetz

this may be controversial to some of you, but ratatouille would demolish stuart little in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

@weinerdog4life

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

@Gre_Gone

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

@wolfpupy

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

@BMcCarthy32

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

@wettbutt

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

@LittleMissZesty

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.