@envydatropic

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

- @envydatropic

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@lecalabara

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

@SimplySnaccbar

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

@SteveSuckington

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

@nameterminated

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

@that1mum

Just realized that my bf never asked me to be his gf and we never established that we are dating. We just like live together and have a baby together. But we don’t have an anniversary or anything. Omg are we dating? Is it too late to ask what are we? What if we are just friends

@Parentpains

Every so often my mother has a great idea, usually it involves leaving my house.

@JermHimselfish

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

@stacywawa1

Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

@cravin4

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

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