My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
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I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.