Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

[invention of baseball]

Guy: I’ll throw the ball

Me: and I catch it

Guy: no hit it with a stick

Me: then what?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: what if I miss?

Guy: someone else will try to catch it

Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad

Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”

Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”

Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

“I think I’m falling for you.”

-replacement skydivers

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.

pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle

architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife

pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes

On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”