Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

[At 1st drive-thru window]

Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.

Me: Thanks

5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”