My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
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STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
God has left this place
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
