My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
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I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants