My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
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Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Spotted in the wild
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.