My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

You Might Also Like


“These diet pills better work,” I say to myself as I wash them down with a chocolate milkshake.


Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please


Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside


The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.


Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?


me: [making a chicken salad]

chicken: thanks i love salad



Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around


me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt


I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.