My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
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SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Imagine if Frodo was all “Sauron’s bad, but Gandalf’s done some morally gray stuff, too, so I’ll stay home.”
Don’t get eaten by orcs. Vote.
You said NO ambien before dinner at your parents.
Me:*already getting naked* I’m sure it will be fine.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.