“These diet pills better work,” I say to myself as I wash them down with a chocolate milkshake.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
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*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
me: [making a chicken salad]
chicken: thanks i love salad
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.