My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
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robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.