@WheelTod

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

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@HomeWithPeanut

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

@InternetHippo

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

@MakesYouGiggle

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

@SteveSuckington

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

@murrman5

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

@jameslsutter

Imagine if Frodo was all “Sauron’s bad, but Gandalf’s done some morally gray stuff, too, so I’ll stay home.”

Don’t get eaten by orcs. Vote.

@jergarl

*takes ambien

Oh.

You said NO ambien before dinner at your parents.

Wife: Really?

Me:*already getting naked* I’m sure it will be fine.

@Parkerlawyer

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.