@HomeWithPeanut
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
@WheelTod
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
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@HomeWithPeanut
@InternetHippo
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
@JimmerThatisAll
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
@MakesYouGiggle
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
@bingowings14
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
@SteveSuckington
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
@murrman5
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
@jameslsutter
Imagine if Frodo was all “Sauron’s bad, but Gandalf’s done some morally gray stuff, too, so I’ll stay home.”
Don’t get eaten by orcs. Vote.
@jergarl
*takes ambien
Oh.
You said NO ambien before dinner at your parents.
Wife: Really?
Me:*already getting naked* I’m sure it will be fine.
@Parkerlawyer
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.