Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

Eggs benadryl my favourite

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

Why is a good book described as a real page turner?

That’s my minimum requirement in a book

Pages that turn

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.