My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
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“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}