Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

nice challenge

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*