My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.

As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times

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Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.


Okay, vampires are invisible in mirrors, I totally get that. But, come on, their clothes?!? #science


My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.


wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*


Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.


Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat


When the police officer asks how much have I had to drink tonight- ‘all of it’ wasn’t as funny to him as it was to me.


[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY


Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons


The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.