Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!

Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.

ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.

My first child will be named New Folder.

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.