Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

disney ceo: live action little mermaid

animator: yep

ceo: it’s in the ocean

animator: got it

ceo: coral reefs

animator: understood

ceo: lots of fish

animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

extrovert: *answers unknown number*

introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…

Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.