Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
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i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Me trying to look natural in photos
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
what are they serving at kfc then???
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.