My fantasy football season is going great
You Might Also Like
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*