My fantasy football season is going great
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I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
pls suprot
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*