On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
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Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.