My fantasy is having two men at once.

One cooking.
One cleaning.

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The number one piece of advice I could give to fish is to stay hydrated.


[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.


If the chameleons did their work better, we would not know about the existence of chameleons.


“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do


*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*


ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?


Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!