My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
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For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.