My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
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I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher