My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
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POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.