My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
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Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!