My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
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dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.