Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

[hotel]

me: do you offer turndown service

concierge: sorry no

me: thank you

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.

Spell check is for lasers.

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you