My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
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The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom