Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

Leonardo DiCaprisun

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

LMAO.

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st