Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.

When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.

I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?

#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.

Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.

Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.