Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.

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Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.