My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
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Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Yes 😂
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead