[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
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hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.