If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
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Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.