my father died in a conga line and so shall i
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Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with