Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol

Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.

Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!

Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.