Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

Headache Protip:

Bang your toe into something.

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

why is everyone yelling about nude ears