My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting![]()
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I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:![]()
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak