My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
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“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
mmm onion ringos
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.