My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
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That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Bringing home a sharpie
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?