My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
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[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
dark side of the loom
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?