my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
You Might Also Like
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?