my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
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Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
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I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
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I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
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I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade