my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
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The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Rooting for the overdog
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.